Texts from Jane Eyre

Book 22 of my 2015 Reading Challenge

read on March 26

Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with your Favorite Literary Characters by Mallory Ortberg

Summary (via Goodreads)

Hilariously imagined text conversations—the passive aggressive, the clever, and the strange—from classic and modern literary figures, from Scarlett O’Hara to Jessica Wakefield.
Mallory Ortberg, the co-creator of the cult-favorite website The Toast, presents this whimsical collection of hysterical text conversations from your favorite literary characters. Everyone knows that if Scarlett O’Hara had an unlimited text-and-data plan, she’d constantly try to tempt Ashley away from Melanie with suggestive messages. If Mr. Rochester could text Jane Eyre, his ardent missives would obviously be in all-caps. And Daisy Buchanan would not only text while driving, she’d text you to pick her up after she totaled her car. Based on the popular web-feature, Texts from Jane Eyre is a witty, irreverent mashup that brings the characters from your favorite books into the twenty-first century.

My Opinion

There's a wide range of characters included.  I enjoyed the ones I knew the best but even if I wasn't familiar with the story I could still get the gist of the jokes.

A really fun, quick read.

A Few Quotes from the Book

Edgar Allen Poe is the on the left and a random friend is on the right.

"hiiiiiiiiii

                          Hi

ok don't be mad at me

                          why?

i feel like you're going to be mad at me
or like you're mad at me
or something
so don't be mad at me

                           you're not coming

i can't coooome to the thiiiiing tonight
i'm so sorry

                           you can't leave the house?

oh my god
i canNOT leave the house

                            I feel like that's turning into a thing with you

what do you mean

                            well
                            like last week
                            you couldn't leave the house
                            because you were too busy looking at a bird
                            is it the bird thing again?

hi
whoa
hi
whoa
i wasn't LOOKING at a bird
wow where is this even coming from
the BIRD
wouldn't stop LOOKING
at ME
                 
                       okay

that's a really big difference
anyone can look at a bird
i could go look at a bird right now if i wanted
i could go look at the same bird
he's still fucking here
not that you asked

                           I literally did just ask

fuck you
                           
                         why can't you leave the house

oh my god
where to even START
there's a heart in the floor
and it will not shut uppppp of beating
but that's not even the main thing
there's a cat with one eye that keeps calling me a murderer
                            
                           well
                            did you murder anyone?

wow
you know what you sound like right now?

                            do i sound like the cat

you sound like the cat with one eye

                            I'm just asking because you said you had a heart in the floor

I said there WAS a heart in the floor
not that i HAD a heart in the floor
there are a lot of reasons a person could have a heart in their floor
not just murder reasons
thanks a lot though"

The Island of Dr. Moreau (Dr. Moreau is on the left and a random friend is on the right)

"what do you think would happen
if you mixed a hyena and a man together

                                   I
like mixed their bodies together I mean

                                   what?

like if you cut them up and then smashed them together and then sewed them back up

                                   I don't know
                                   what kind of question is that

I bet a lot would happen"